Long Overdue Update

Sorry I have been away for so long friends. 


Still in a really weird place with this pregnancy and actually am feeling guilty about it. Things are going great! I have no reason to believe this might not be my take home baby... but I am still holding my breath. I still am not opening any What to Expect books and still don't talk about it. That makes me feel guilty. Guilty that all I do now when I blog here is question what is happening. What I have worked so hard for. I know I will get more comfortable as time creeps on. As we keep passing milestones during this exciting time. Just for now focusing on the little steps we have been making and putting one foot in front of the other each day. 


Again so sorry to have gone missing. Thank you for still being here. 


Now for some fun updates! 

• Today I am 15 weeks pregnant! OMG! We passed a huge milestone at 12 weeks when I officially became the furthest along in any of my pregnancies! So glad our little nugget is still hanging in there!
• I graduated from my RE at 12 weeks! Goodbye Dr. Cold and hello Dr. Confident (my ob - more on him later). The day of my last appointment with them was also my birthday! I brought the staff Sprinkles cupcakes which of course were a hit and even ordered a couple extra for the hubby and I. They even tweeted(?) a pic of us saying congratulations... do I look exhausted or what? Lol. 

The Famous Sprinkles Cupcakes!

Tweet about our 12 week graduation from RE!

• Along with graduating at 12 weeks... I also got to finally drop the progesterone injections and estrogen patches! Dropped them cold turkey. I was terrified but all was fine. So nice not having to deal with those. Still on my daily Lovenox (blood thinner) injections which are a pain (literally), those will continue the whole pregnancy. The bruises on my belly are so gross. Haha. No bikinis for me anytime soon. Lol. 
• I had a birthday! Turned 34 on April 20th. It was a nice b-day. Hubby and I went to the San Diego Wild Animal Park on that Saturday and just enjoyed walking around and seeing the animals. That is just one of my favorite things to do. Love me some animals. 
• We have begun telling people. Not the general public... definitely not on fac.ebook or anything. But we told his mom and siblings (who have no clue the struggles we have been through to make this happen). My mom and dad already knew but we did also tell my siblings grandparents, a couple aunts/uncles and close cousins. So slowly but surely the word is leaking out. I can't say when I will feel comfortable enough for a fac.ebook announcement but we definitely joke about just posting pics of our baby when he/she finally arrives. I am not much of a fb'er anyway so waiting till then would work for me! Haha 
• I have an OB doctor! This is exciting. Found a great guy that is a part of the hospital we would want to deliver at and have had a few appointments with him already. He is great. I have named him Dr. Confident. At my last appointment with him he got a real sense of my fear and uncertainty about this pregnancy and stated... "Denise, there are a lot of things to still worry about but a miscarriage isn't one of them. Start embracing what's happening here and lets start planning a nursery." Uhmm... did he just say the m-word? and wow did he just tempt fate or what? While I appreciate his confidence... I am still nervous. I do get what he was trying to say and am working on letting go of the fear. The hardest part of transitioning from the RE to the OB is the complete lack of appointments. I was used to weekly appointments for the first 12 weeks (w/ ultrasound) and now get one just once a month (which doesn't even include an ultrasound!) Crazy. 
• NT scan went great! Had my NT Scan just last week and it went well. Baby cooperated and the (not very nice tech/nurse/whoever) was able to get all the pics she needed and indicated our risk for Down's, Spinal Bifida, etc was low. Like 1 in 17k or so. We had done PGD on the embryos in advance so we had an idea everything would come back negative/low risk but I couldn't give up a chance to see the baby!
• 70% a boy. At our last ultrasound (13weeks) the tech decided to see what she could see for the sex of the baby and thought it might be a boy! It was of course super early and I am not counting on it at this point but she did say... 70% chance it's a boy. Maybe knowing for sure will help me start connecting with the little nugget. I go in for my anatomy scan on May 24th and should get a more definite idea then! So exciting! We would be ecstatic with either but I have always seen myself with a boy.

I think that is a decent update for now. I really need to get cracking with documenting some of my symptoms, crazy dreams I have been having and other pregnancy related items. Might even be time to do a "bumpdate" (eeeep). We shall see. One step at a time. Haha. 

Again, I can't say it enough... so sorry for my hiatus and thank you for still being here and supporting me during my journey. 

P.S. Congratulations to all the recent BFP's on my blog roll! So excited for all of you!

Alissa at MissConception

Lanie at Unruffled Lanie

Her Royal Fabulousness at Waiting for Little Feet

Unaffected at For We Are Bound By Symmetry

Lou at Syringe Sisters

Belle at Scrambled Eggs

Hope I haven't missed anyone. So sorry if I have!

I leave you with my favorite pic of the little nugget! 

Strength in Music

This cycle began with me in such a weird place. 

As you know... it was my 3rd IVF cycle. I had just come off of a miscarriage of twins (one baby lost at 5 and a half weeks and the other a week later) from cycle 2. I was beginning cycle 3 in hopes of creating my 5th pregnancy. 4 previous pregnancies and no babies yet at home. To say I began the cycle unsure and scared is an understatement. I was scarred, terrified, hurt and braced for disappointment. I remember driving to my baseline appointment not even praying for this cycle to work but rather for it not to hurt (emotionally) as the others had when things went wrong. I was praying for my self preservation. 

On the way to my first monitoring appointment I heard a song on the radio. It was a rap/pop song called "Good Feeling" by Flo Rida. It had a really catchy chorus that sang: 

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, sometimes I get a good feeling, yeah
I get a feeling that I never never never never had before, no no
I get a good feeling, yeah
Oh oh, sometimes I get a good feeling, yeah
I get a feeling that I never never never never had before, no no
I get a good feeling, yeah

The rest of the song is rappy and I couldn't even tell you really what it says... but the chorus is really what struck me. 

I heard it again on my way to the second monitoring appointment as well. 

And again on the way to my third monitoring appointment. This however wouldn't not be considered unusual since it was a popular song at the time and surely was played over and over and over daily. For me though... the catchy chorus over time became a mantra for my cycle. I sang/yelled along with it on the way to my appointments and began to hope this cycle could maybe be different. It gave me to strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other and restored my faith in this process. I continued to hear this song randomly played for all of the drives to my monitoring appointments and transfer. This carefree chorus permeated my hardened, battle scarred, uncertain shell and provided hope... or a "good feeling"... about this cycle. 

This week I heard it again played randomly on the radio. I was on the way to my weekly ultrasound for the little nugget. It still has a way of lifting up my spirits and allowing hope to fill my soul. It is definitely still my mantra for this cycle. 

Can't believe I am 10 weeks and 4 days today... and still pregnant. Can't. believe. it. 

The little nugget looked great on Tuesday, measuring where he/she should, etc. 

As I slowly come to grips with this pregnancies progression, I am one-by-one peeling back the layers of fear and pessimism. Maybe this is it? Is my take-home baby less then 7 months away? I surely hope so... and I hope this "good feeling" continues and grows stronger day by day.  

I leave you with the video for my special song. ***Keep in mind... the first 33 seconds is the important part***. Isn't amazing how the right song, at the right time can affect us? 

     

Doing Good!

Still here, still pregnant. 9 weeks and 4 days! Wow, I can't believe we are at 9 weeks and 4 days. I am in shock. Still not really believing it.


The little nugget looks great on the ultrasound this week and my progesterone levels are back up (to 38). The increased dosage seems to be doing its job and I am hoping that is the last scare for a few weeks (at least).


So glad things are still going good. Maybe I will allow myself to start getting excited soon?

Worried?

Ultrasound went great today (8w2d). The Little Nugget is looking more and more like a baby and less like, well... a nugget. Heart was beating away (Dr. Cold still wouldn't give me a beats per minute amount) and things measured right on track. Dr. Cold seemed optimistic and told me to it was time to start thinking about my OB and making an appointment. All very exciting news. 


Then I got a call from them a couple hours ago indicating my progesterone levels (tested today) had dropped quite a bit. I have been on 1cc nightly (PIO) from the beginning and in recent weeks my progesterone levels had been increasing on their own! I was under the incorrect assumption that maybe the baby had actually begun producing it already (which I heard today doesn't happen till 10 weeks). My weekly progesterone levels have been 26, 27, 30, 37 and today... 26. They like to see the number over 20 so it is still in range. But why did it drop so much? Is this my indicator I might miscarry? I know progesterone levels can drop as a precursor. Dr. Cold instructed us to increase our nightly dosage from 1cc to 1.5cc. This has me worried. He stated he wasn't concerned about the drop in levels, but then instructs us to raise our dosage? 


Why are these numbers fluctuating? I am not jumping off the cliff just yet... but worried. Why must we be so fearful during these exciting times? 

Continuing Protocol

I know I have been rather quiet lately... Still holding my breath. 8 weeks and 1 day today. 


Wanted to post about the meds/shots I am still on! Hopefully these things are each doing their part to keep the Little Nugget fed, happy and wanting to stay put for a long time! 


So here is my current cocktail list: 


PIO (Progesterone in Oil) - Oh how I loathe you. Lol. For the first few weeks, I swear this nightly shot wasn't a big deal. Yeah, it hurt and yes it made me sore for days afterwards... but I just dealt with it. Recently however, this shot has been a bitch. My hips are sore upon sore. It just seems as though they never get a chance to heal (even with us alternating hips each night) before we are sticking them again. I even threw a full on tantrum one night last week when it was time to do the shot. Full on. Like a two year old. Kicking things, yelling, punching the air. Hubby thought I was possessed for sure. Meh. I think I just had reached my limit for a minute and started feeling sorry for us. For all of us. This should be easier. This whole process should be easier. My clinic actually has their patients on this till 12 weeks (from what I understand) so only 4 more weeks to go! An interesting fact I didn't realize... My lil nugget has actually started producing his own progesterone! I have been getting weekly progesterone checks to monitor the number and they have been as follows over the weeks: 26, 27, 30, 37 (they like to see the number over 20 initially). The jump to 37 surprised me since my dosage has remained consistent at 1cc per day. This rise hopefully means things are progressing as they should! 


Lovenox - An important one. Blood thinner medication for my MTHFR mutation (clotting disorder). This is also a daily shot but this one goes for the whole pregnancy. It is fortunately a sub-q shot but it stings/burns like hell and leaves beautiful bruises all over my belly. Super hawt. As much as I hate the burning fire I have to inject nightly... I am so thankful we know about this disorder and have something I can do to help keep my body from clotting against this pregnancy.  


Vivelle (Estrogen Patches) - These patches are easy and painless. They stick to abdomen and just hang out. I am on two patches and change them every other day. I will also be on these till 12 weeks along. Only complaint I have about these are the price. Expensive lil buggers. $90 a box and I go through a box every 8 days. Only 4 more weeks to go! 


Prenatals - Nothing to exciting here... I take the prescription prenatals called Duet. Two pills daily. I have been taking these literally for about 4 years (since our first miscarriage 2/08). I was given different samples to try at the time and these were the only ones that didn't make me nauseous if I took them without food, so I have stuck with them. 


MetaNx - This is also something I take for my MTHFR (clotting disorder). This mutation affects the way my body processes B6, 12 and Folic Acid so this prescription vitamin provides these in their active form so my body is able to use it. I take one pill twice a day. This will be continued the whole pregnancy. 


Baby Aspirin - Still on baby aspirin also. One pill a day. I think this will end at the 12 week mark also with the PIO and patches, but I am not certain. This is commonly used during IVF as it helps block vascular constriction. There are many other reasons to use it in IVF listed in this article. 


Acupuncture - I have continued my acupuncture appointments, twice a week. My acupuncturist would like the twice a week appointments to continue through 12 weeks and then drop to once a week. I do enjoy the time to just lay there and daydream. It happens to be one of the only places I allow myself to believe this is actually working/going to work. I daydream about being pregnant, what our baby might look like and what type of child he/she might grow up to be. As soon as the hour is up... I go back to my safe/rational thinking (doesn't include daydreaming) but in that hour... I connect with the being inside me.


That is it for the meds/shots/procedures! A pretty lively cocktail list of fun!      


Also, wanted to share a list of don'ts I received at my first ultrasound from Dr. Cold. It is instructions for the first trimester (through 12 weeks) of pregnancy. Since I don't graduate from his office till 12 weeks (I know some clinics graduate sooner) this list is supposed to handle all the things I should not be doing till I get handed over to an OB. The list is rather restricting. But of course, I am following it as best as I can. A few notables are: 
No Sex
No Airplane Travel (till after 12 weeks, then consult with OB)
No Having Hair Colored, Permed or Straightened 
No Exercise. None. 
No Caffeine, Alcohol, Sushi, Unpasterized Foods. Minimize Intake of Hot Dogs/Cold Cuts
No Sunbathing
No Hot Baths
No Dental Work 


Fun stuff! 


Still praying my little nugget is doing ok in there. I see him/her again tomorrow. I can't wait. 

We Have A Heartbeat!

Tuesdays appointment went well! 

Our little nugget (I know.... we have to come up with something better to call him/her, lol) has a heartbeat!! 

The little flicker was beating so fast! It was really amazing to see. 

Dr. Cold didn't give me the BPM (beats per minute) amount... which I am actually ok with. That means I won't stress about whatever the number is. Perfect for me. Haha. 

I am so excited we saw the heartbeat. This is one of those steps I needed to really start believing this is actually happening. I am not there yet but Tuesdays appointment was a definite step.   :) 

Thank you for all the support, suggestions and advice on my last post about "Inhabiting the Middle Ground" between being hopelessly infertile and currently pregnant. I appreciate each of your words and understand now that it will just take time. Time and milestones (like Tuesdays appointment). 

YAY for a heartbeat!!! 

Inhabiting the Middle Ground

In a weird place emotionally. This weird middle ground between being hopelessly infertile and currently pregnant. Just standing between the two realms.... waiting to be pulled one way or the other. 

Adel and I are just going through the motions of life. Neither of us discusses being pregnant. Outside of attending our weekly ultrasound together, it just doesn't come up. It's like we are both waiting for the ball to drop. We have been here before... and it hurt so bad when it didn't work out. I imagine this avoidance technique we have adopted silently for this cycle is an act of self preservation? Not wanting to get close to our pregnancy or he/she inside of me... just in case. 

I still haven't felt the joy yet. Sure I was excited when I got the positive HPT and beta. For a couple hours even. Then excited again when I saw the ultrasound. I was excited then for the rest of night! But the next day... back to status quo. This defense mechanism is amazing. What do I do to bring these walls down? 

I also have only cried once. The fear crept under the walls briefly and I had a human moment. Adel had just got home from work and I opened up a discussion about our lack of excitement/interest/connection/etc for this pregnancy. Shortly after beginning the talk I just needed a hug, and couldn't stop crying. I blubbered on about how scared I was. How hurt I would be if we lost this baby too. It was the first time I had hugged him in a long time. Like really hugged him. Have I been subconsciously pushing him away (emotionally and physically) during this cycle also?

I am afraid to open a pregnancy book, afraid to daydream about pregnant life and even afraid to post on here... as if either of those things may pose a problem to this pregnancy. 

It's official... I have lost it completely. Lol. 

Any ideas on how and when to bring these walls down? Is this just what pregnancy after infertility/loss is? 

Ultrasound on Tuesday at 7 weeks and 2 days. Hopefully we will see a heartbeat. 

Thank you all for continuing on to this next part of my journey with me. I couldn't do this without you.