Friday, March 9, 2012

Inhabiting the Middle Ground



In a weird place emotionally. This weird middle ground between being hopelessly infertile and currently pregnant. Just standing between the two realms.... waiting to be pulled one way or the other. 

Adel and I are just going through the motions of life. Neither of us discusses being pregnant. Outside of attending our weekly ultrasound together, it just doesn't come up. It's like we are both waiting for the ball to drop. We have been here before... and it hurt so bad when it didn't work out. I imagine this avoidance technique we have adopted silently for this cycle is an act of self preservation? Not wanting to get close to our pregnancy or he/she inside of me... just in case. 

I still haven't felt the joy yet. Sure I was excited when I got the positive HPT and beta. For a couple hours even. Then excited again when I saw the ultrasound. I was excited then for the rest of night! But the next day... back to status quo. This defense mechanism is amazing. What do I do to bring these walls down? 

I also have only cried once. The fear crept under the walls briefly and I had a human moment. Adel had just got home from work and I opened up a discussion about our lack of excitement/interest/connection/etc for this pregnancy. Shortly after beginning the talk I just needed a hug, and couldn't stop crying. I blubbered on about how scared I was. How hurt I would be if we lost this baby too. It was the first time I had hugged him in a long time. Like really hugged him. Have I been subconsciously pushing him away (emotionally and physically) during this cycle also?

I am afraid to open a pregnancy book, afraid to daydream about pregnant life and even afraid to post on here... as if either of those things may pose a problem to this pregnancy. 

It's official... I have lost it completely. Lol. 

Any ideas on how and when to bring these walls down? Is this just what pregnancy after infertility/loss is? 

Ultrasound on Tuesday at 7 weeks and 2 days. Hopefully we will see a heartbeat. 

Thank you all for continuing on to this next part of my journey with me. I couldn't do this without you. 

15 comments:

  1. I know what you mean, it is so hard to believe after so long. At our ultrasound yesterday Jon was over the moon excited and grinning and I just lay there trying to see something. I will hopefully feel better when they look like babies. I hope you get to see a little perfect heartbeat. I have heard some say that after you see a heartbeat the risk of miscarriage is very low. Fingers crossed for you guys. I can only imagine that since you have been here before you must be terrified of losing again. This is it though, next up take home baby.

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  2. Aw. :( I hope time helps. And more ultrasounds. I'm so excited for you, I wish you could bask in the joy of being pregnant right now. Maybe get a doppler. I've heard that helps ease the worry a bit.

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  3. I think the feelings you have are normal. I kept thinking I would be jinxing myself if I talked about my journey but then I was torn because I wanted to share my experience AI if anyone could learn any little thing or be comforted or feel connected they could. I had a third trimester loss and sometimes at night I think to myself if I were to ever get pregnant again how scared I would be all the way through. But I've read from other bloggers and the walls eventually come down. Some at 4months some at 6 some after the first few months. For each person it's different. I do hope your walls do come down and you and Adel are able to enjoy the joy of this time. Thinking of you.

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  4. None. Because I would be in the exact same place emotionally and mentally. This is one of the many things that infertility takes from us; our naivety regarding pregnancy. But with each ultrasound, each milestone, you will get closer and closer to the goal of a THB.

    In the meantime, we're here to cheer you on. And I will continue to keep you in my thoughts as you progress through the first trimester.

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  5. I agree with Cristy. I don't have any solutions for you. I know I would/will be the same way. I am already beginning my defenses and I haven't started this cycle officially. I haven't been talking to people about it and have been deferring any conversation that even looks like it is going in that direction. I think...honestly...you may not be able to fully embrace this baby/pregnancy until viability. At least I know that is how it would be for me.
    I'm sorry you aren't able to enjoy all of this. It is shitty.
    Just keep doing what you are doing and hopefully one of these days, you'll just feel differently.
    Hugs!

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  6. I don't have much advice other than to take deep breaths and know that we are all supporting you.

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  7. Not a clue on how you can take your wall down. Its just going to take time.

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  8. Just keep telling yourself that "today I AM pregnant". It seems to help me some. Since conceiving and keeping babies are both issues for me, I figure sometimes you just have to rejoice in the act of being pregnant - even if it will end in heartbreak. Otherwise the big pit of depression will swallow me up. I can only hope that after Tuesday when you see your little one's heart fluttering away, it will ease your anxiety some. However, I don't think there are any easy answers.

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  9. Oh gosh i could have written this myself a few weeks ago (and sort now still too). The only difference is that C wanted to talk about it. I was like you, quite, not talking about it even if it was brought up. The first 'admittance' was last week (15wks) and we bought a baby name book. Just take it a day at a time and the moment will find you when you notice the joy creep in more and more. With each u/s I got a little closer. 12/13 weeks was big for me.

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  10. I don't have any advice either. Just letting you know we are here to support you. Maybe writing it out will help?

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  11. Take your time and take it all in as you can. I am hoping for you as the days go on and the ultrasounds provide more reassurance, you will be able to enjoy this.

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  12. Hi,

    I’m Coffeegal from the IVF boards :). And I’ve been following your story closely and hopefully! I’m so happy for you. But I wanted to chime in here and let you know that I was and STILL AM (at 25 weeks pregnant) feeling the same way as you. I distanced myself because I didn’t want to get hurt. And at times, even now, I catch myself doing it. I think this is a very normal response. I’m in some support groups and have done research about the topic. I don’t know how reliable my information is and I am NO PYSCOLOGIST J but I found that the way we feel is a derivative Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. One study called it Defensive Pessimism. All the articles I read on the topic made sense and made me feel a bit more “normal!” I know it’s so difficult, but here are some tips that friends gave me to help me through the waiting.

    1) Know that what you’re feeling is normal. Do not beat yourself up. You’ve been through so much, it’s natural to be protective. Give yourself some grace girl.

    2) When the worry creeps in, start saying “thank you.” Regardless of your religious beliefs this one seems to work for me. Every time I get freaked out, I try to stop and say “Thank you for giving me this gift, no matter how long or short I have it.” Somehow, if I focus on being thankful, I can’t feel the worry as much.

    3) The truth is (at least for me) if I were to lose my pregnancy tomorrow, it would hurt just no matter how much I tried to distance myself from the pregnancy. So I might as well enjoy the “now.”

    I truly hope this doesn’t come off preachy. I still struggle with this on a daily basis. But I wanted to provide you with reassurance that you are normal!

    All the best,

    B

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  13. I wrote a post very similar to this:

    http://barnesbrennan.blogspot.com/2012/01/things-we-dont-talk-about.html

    And I was 10 weeks along when I wrote it.

    I am now almost 18 weeks and I can say that week by week things start to improve. A lot of it has to do with the belly, as the belly grows my husband asks me more and more about the baby whereas previously we didn't talk about the baby AT ALL. I think this is just pregnancy after loss...it's hard.

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  14. I can imagine how hard it is to celebrate when you've had a loss. But the fact that your embryos were chromosomally normal improves your chances tremendously. Best of luck on that upcoming ultrasound - seeing the heartbeat will be amazing!!

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  15. I love your blog. I don't have trouble concieving and maybe that means it's not really my place to speak here. I wish I could transfer some of that luck to you. I can only imagine how hard it must be to want a baby so bad and have trouble getting pregnant or loosing a baby. On this topic, with both pregnancies -the previous (we have a two year old son) and the current - (I am 14 weeks), I felt the same way. I couldn't believe I was really pregnant until I felt the baby move and even then the disbelief and feelings like it could be too good to be true persisted right up until we brought him home. We almost lost him when he was born premature and couldn't breathe. He spent 12 horrible days in the NICU. This experience makes me incredibly nervous about this pregnancy. We heard our little one's heartbeat today and that helped make it feel a little more real. But I think I feel even less invested.... or excited -gulp than I did with the first one just because I am afraid we might lose it. The bottom line - be excited with your spouse when you feel it, but don't feel guilty if you don't, it doesn't mean you don't want it/ love it etc. or that anything is wrong with you. It's just the only way you can cope and it is natural. You will bond with your baby when s/he is born whether or not you feel connected during your pregnancy and all of these emotions will fade when you bring your baby home. Wishing you all the best.

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