Thursday, April 5, 2012

Strength in Music

This cycle began with me in such a weird place. 
As you know... it was my 3rd IVF cycle. I had just come off of a miscarriage of twins (one baby lost at 5 and a half weeks and the other a week later) from cycle 2. I was beginning cycle 3 in hopes of creating my 5th pregnancy. 4 previous pregnancies and no babies yet at home. To say I began the cycle unsure and scared is an understatement. I was scarred, terrified, hurt and braced for disappointment. I remember driving to my baseline appointment not even praying for this cycle to work but rather for it not to hurt (emotionally) as the others had when things went wrong. I was praying for my self preservation. 
On the way to my first monitoring appointment I heard a song on the radio. It was a rap/pop song called "Good Feeling" by Flo Rida. It had a really catchy chorus that sang: 
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, sometimes I get a good feeling, yeah
I get a feeling that I never never never never had before, no no
I get a good feeling, yeah
Oh oh, sometimes I get a good feeling, yeah
I get a feeling that I never never never never had before, no no
I get a good feeling, yeah
The rest of the song is rappy and I couldn't even tell you really what it says... but the chorus is really what struck me. 
I heard it again on my way to the second monitoring appointment as well. 
And again on the way to my third monitoring appointment. This however wouldn't not be considered unusual since it was a popular song at the time and surely was played over and over and over daily. For me though... the catchy chorus over time became a mantra for my cycle. I sang/yelled along with it on the way to my appointments and began to hope this cycle could maybe be different. It gave me to strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other and restored my faith in this process. I continued to hear this song randomly played for all of the drives to my monitoring appointments and transfer. This carefree chorus permeated my hardened, battle scarred, uncertain shell and provided hope... or a "good feeling"... about this cycle. 
This week I heard it again played randomly on the radio. I was on the way to my weekly ultrasound for the little nugget. It still has a way of lifting up my spirits and allowing hope to fill my soul. It is definitely still my mantra for this cycle. 
Can't believe I am 10 weeks and 4 days today... and still pregnant. Can't. believe. it. 
The little nugget looked great on Tuesday, measuring where he/she should, etc. 
As I slowly come to grips with this pregnancies progression, I am one-by-one peeling back the layers of fear and pessimism. Maybe this is it? Is my take-home baby less then 7 months away? I surely hope so... and I hope this "good feeling" continues and grows stronger day by day.  
I leave you with the video for my special song. ***Keep in mind... the first 33 seconds is the important part***. Isn't amazing how the right song, at the right time can affect us?