Tuesday, December 27, 2011

New Look for a New Year!!

Got myself a new look for the new year! Still working through some minor changes here and there but for the most part... this is it! 

Hope you all like it! 

Big thank you goes out to Aly from Bridge Work Blog Designs for putting up with me and creating my new beautiful space!    :) 

Friday, December 23, 2011

Operation: Christmas Cheer

Whether I like it or not, Christmas is here... onward with the Holiday Cheer. Got the tree up (a couple weeks ago), most of our Christmas dinner ready (we are celebrating with my family today), Christmas crafts crafted and even some sweets made! Oh holy holiday mania! Here’s some pictures for proof!! 

Our Tree

Christmas Crafts: 

My mom and sister-in-law decided to made gifts for each other this year. I decided to make scarfs as my “Christmas Craft”. I thought they turned out decent! Hope you like them. 

Christmas Craft #1
Christmas Craft #2

Christmas Crack:
OMG. Christmas Crack. #ilovechristmascrack. This is a salty, sweet treat sent from the heavens above. Seriously.. such good stuff. It is very easy to make and always a hit. It’s called Christmas Crack due to it’s very addictive nature. Only takes saltine crackers, brown sugar, chocolate chips and butter to make. I use the recipe from here: Christmas Crack Recipe

Christmas Crack w/ Toffee Bits Added

Hubby's Christmas Ornament: 

I ended up getting a little different ornament than I was looking for (read about my search here)... probably as a result of running out of time. I like it but it's not exactly the simple message I was looking for. It is a birds nest with three eggs in it and says “Our Nest” over it. Very symbolic I think. It is as if to say our nest is all ready to go, we just need our babies now (as I am sure many of you can relate to). Hubby loved it and we had a nice moment over it during our gift exchange. He even felt the three eggs were symbolic of our three embryos placed from last cycle... or of us embarking on our third round of IVF. 

All said and done... I am ready for Christmas. Bring it.   :) 

From my home to yours... Merry Christmas. Big hugs to each of you! 

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Christmas Chaos

I owe you a post on our clinic controversy (possibly switching RE’s after two failed cycles) but for now... I have been sidelined by Christmas Chaos. 
OMG. It is a crazy, crazy world out there. Lol. 
Battled the mall over the weekend and elbowed my way through stores like B.ed Bath and Beyond, W.almart, etc today. Even grocery shopping was a mess. 
Feeling a little better so far this week. Probably as a result of having things to accomplish that I can’t procrastinate any longer. Close friends are asking why hadn’t I gotten some of these chores/shopping trips done earlier and it takes everything in me to not respond “Cause I haven’t wanted to leave my bed, I’m sad”. Meh. Truth is, since we miscarried in October I haven’t really wanted to do much... especially anything involved with “getting in the spirit”. But with Christmas literally upon us I am forced into the holiday buzz! 
I did lose it in the mall on Saturday. Hubby and I had spilt up for a short bit to tackle a few stores separately. I had wanted to get him an ornament for this Christmas representing our IVF journey as one of his presents. 
***Sidebar: We always buy ornaments throughout the year when on trips as a way to remember those trips/locale each year as we decorate the Christmas tree. Though our IVF journey isn’t a physical locale... It’s a place our hearts have been for some time now. Honestly, it hurts to remember our IVF Journey right now. But one day I want to be able to put that ornament on our tree and reflect on what craziness “life” handed to us in 2011. Not the sexiest gift (I know) but one that in some way... might pay homage to our year. The ornament I was looking for was something simple that maybe just said “Hope”. I found “Hope, Dream and Love” but that wasn’t simple enough for me. So my search continues.*** 
Back to the losing it... So I am walking around the mall... looking in stores for this ornament that means so much to me and invokes so much emotion. Listening to Christmas music. Seeing kids everywhere. Seeing kids toys everywhere. Seeing baby things EVERYWHERE. You get the point. I lost it. Had a seat on a bench in front of Macys and just crumpled. Adel happened to call right then to meet up and found me surrounded by my holiday packages just bawling. Lol. I have had enough of the mall for a while. 
Outside of the mall meltdown, I am doing ok. Better than I thought I would be. Time is helping me heal and giving me the courage to keep going on this journey.
Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes... it so reflects what I am feeling right at this moment.
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.” ~Mary Anne Radmacher

Thursday, December 15, 2011

A Little Sad Today...

Still sad. So unlike myself actually. Usually I am so happy go lucky. Are we jaded forever after our journey? Meh. I know... in my heart... somewhere deep inside there... that this will all be a distant memory one day... when we have our baby in our arms... I hope. 
I have a lot to write about tomorrow. Just need to get my spirits up first. Adel and I had a couple consultations (second opinions) with different clinics this week and I need to process it through writing about it. I think this may be part of my sadness today. This is all just so much work... requires such big decisions... with such financial implications... and what if *knocks on wood* it doesn't work again. *Sigh*
Anyway, I'm rambling. I know. Lol 
I found this video a while ago, called "Tears and Hope - Infertility Awareness Project". I always think of it when I am sad... since it states so well what we go through as infertiles.  It's a beautiful video but really will hit home to many of you. I am unable to embed the video here (since I am not that savvy) but here is the link:
Sorry for the sadness tonight, will be better tomorrow.   :) 

Monday, December 12, 2011

What A Nice Surprise!

Came back from a crazy holiday party filled weekend to an award! My first one! 
So excited to be recognized by a follower blogger and even more excited to know that people are actually reading about my journey! 
This blog was started as a form of therapy. So full of sadness, confusion and loneliness... I found that through writing... I was starting to feel better. The support I have received from this blog is astounding. Thank you for all my comments, to my readers and to AJ from http://rainbowmaking101.blogspot.com/ for giving me this Liebster Award!
This Award is given to bloggers who have less than 200 followers, all in the spirit of fostering new connections. Liebster is German & means ‘dearest’ or ‘beloved’ but it can also mean ‘favorite’. The idea of the Liebster award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers.
Here are the rules:
1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!
I wanted to pass this award onto 5 special ladies... Some of these women I have been lurking on their blogs for some time. I check in daily to see their updates and admire their strength and perseverance. Some of these ladies may have received this award before but I didn't want to pass up the opportunity to let them know I am a passenger on their journeys and praying for them every step of the way.  
  1. Alissa @ Miss Conception - Alissa is such an amazing blogger. I have been following her story since May of this year and appreciate her honesty, insight and sharing through her journey. Praying for Alissa through her tough times.  
  2. Kelly @ Team Baby - I have been following Kelly since June of this year... Our ivf cycles have been around the same times and I always find she is saying exactly what I am feeling as she blogs about her cycle experiences. Hoping her next cycle is the one for her. 
  3. Chelsea @ The Growing Season - I began following Chelsea's story after meeting on the fertility forums (we were cycling at the same time). She just just went through an FET cycle the day after Thanksgiving and I am hoping it is a successful one. 
  4. Hope @ Invisible Mother - Found Hope through Infertility Overachievers "New Blog Friday" and really related to the constructive grieving tab on her blog. Have been following her story since! Wishing her luck during the next steps in her Immunization Therapy/testing. 
  5. Blonde Mombitions - This is a new fellow blogger I found through LFCA. She too is navigating through infertility-land. Looking to support her through her first IVF in January. Crossing my fingers for success! 

Monday, December 5, 2011


Started Metformin a few days ago... It is an interesting drug for sure. I don't have type 2 diabetes or PCOS (which are the two common reasons people take it) but Dr. C (my RE) believes I am insulin resistant based on my egg quality the last two cycles.

Crazy how things evolve... Dr. C said it best... He said "6 months ago, I was looking at a relatively young, healthy couple with male factor infertility that I could manage through IVF and ICSI. Now... two cycles later... I see highly compromised eggs. Eggs with severe chromosomal abnormalities and overall quality issues. We now unequivocally have an egg problem." Well. Pfftttt. Not much to say in response to that. Lol. So here I am... looking at the man I have paid almost 40k out of pocket to create me a baby and pleading/imploring how we possibly fix this "so called egg problem'. His reply... "I have an idea." He explained what Metformin is... stated that although I don't have PCOS my eggs look someone who does. So why not treat it similarly? Seems logical to me. He explained the side effects and risks, which we both agreed were far outweighed by the possibility of better egg quality for the next go around. So Metformin is now in the mix for the next few months.

Let me just say... when he mentioned there is typically "some" gastrointestinal issues when taking Metformin... I didn't anticipate full days of holding my stomach in pain and hours on the toilet (tmi, I know). OMG. That stuff is miserable. Supposedly my body just needs to get used it? I hope this is case. They also have me on a "slow build" for the drug. So for one week I take one pill a day (500mg), next week two pills a day (am & pm), week after three pills a day and then on the fourth week I will be to my dosage of four pills a day. That will be 2000 mg of this lovely drug. *Sigh* The things we do to our bodies for our baby efforts.

Anyone else out there on Metformin that I can commiserate with? Does it get better?

Also, wanted to thank amiracle4usDetour and eggsinarow for my first ever comments! Thank you for your words and support. I really appreciate it.

Thursday, December 1, 2011


Ok... another sad post (and long). I am slowly starting to feel better emotionally after our miscarriage and think the writing is helping. So, I am hoping that getting these thoughts/feelings out there will keep me on the mend. 
I can’t believe it has been 6 weeks since our miscarriage. Am I even allowed to still be grieving? I definitely shouldn’t be grieving longer than we were actually pregnant, right? Lol. Time keeps passing but I am still sad. Not just for the miscarriage itself but also for the effort. The years of heartbreak, the IVF cycles, the financial obligation, the toll on my body, my husband’s amazingness through all of this, the thought of another cycle, the shots all over again and the unknown future are all encompassed in the sadness. Maybe just boils down to a general “feeling sorry for myself”. Some friends have suggested maybe I should seek out someone to talk to? I don’t know... What’s an allowable/ok time to be sad over this? My close friend with two children says she thinks I might have something like postpartum depression (ironic huh?) and maybe she is right... Is it possible that coming off all that estrogen and progesterone we are pumped full of during a cycle is no different from causes postpartum depression. Seriously... no baby but possible postpartum? Who knows. 
What I do know is... I need to make some changes to my day to day life starting tomorrow: 

1. Stop the What to Expect baby updates. I know. I can’t believe I am still getting these. It’s a sickness. I mean I know it’s over. I know I lost the baby. But for some reason I just couldn’t part with the updates. I really want to know that today I would be entering my 13th week and our baby would be the size of a peach. I think I am just hanging onto this information in hopes things were different. I think tomorrow I am ready to stop them. No more torturing myself with this daily reminder.

2. Get out of bed early in the day. I always wake up decently early but lately I have been finding reasons to lay around more then I should Oh hey...my favorite show is on... oh geez it looks cold out there and oh man, I can’t possibly move... I might disturb the cats that are so comfy in bed with me! This grieving has slowly begun to masquerade itself as general laziness and it needs to stop. 

3. Start decorating for Christmas. Normally I love this part of the year. Again... in feeling sorry for myself land... I am sad about the complexion of this Christmas changing. 6 weeks ago I was ecstatic about being pregnant for the holidays, yada... yada... yada. I just need to embrace my Christmas cheer and not take my sadness out on such an amazing holiday.  

4. Start some type of workout regimen. IVF weight gain is not my friend. Seriously since starting medications in June I have gained 15 pounds. I have lost about 5 pounds just from coming off all the cycle drugs but getting this extra poundage off before #3 would be awesome. No small feat during the holidays however. Treadmill here I come.  

5. Start reconnecting with friends... This is a must. There are about 5 people in my life that have been passengers on my infertility train. So nice to be able to share with them through my cycle milestones, etc. This last one however was a doozy.... I was sad, not really my bubbly self and generally no fun. Conversations with these friends became increasingly uncomfortable. Uncomfortable for them because how often can you say I’m sorry? Sooth someone who isn’t being soothed? The conversations were uncomfortable for me because I knew I was no fun and my friends didn’t know what to say anymore... so I pulled back... not wanting to put them through these uncomfortable conversations with me any longer. One friend had actually said “Give yourself some time to grieve through it and then quit feeling sorry for yourself. That is not going to help and it pushes people away.” That was hard to hear but I know she is right. 
All in all... time to get back to my ol’ fun loving self and I think working on the 5 things above are a part of these process.  
Here is a pic of the hubby and I at my brothers wedding (we were still pregnant). We look so happy!

Cheers to tomorrow and working on "bringing sunny back". Lol 

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Done With the Look-Back Posts

Thank you for putting up with my long first few posts. They will not all be that lengthy I promise! Just had to get all of that out. Can't keep it bottled inside anymore. Infertility is crazy like that... getting so caught up in it and wanting to shout from the rooftops what is going on/what you are dealing with... but on the flip side... it's this big secret because for most, infertility is difficult to understand.

Feels good to get my voice back through these words. My stories.

This blog is intended to be part of my healing and support for the future. Somewhere to remember where I have been and what I was like while going through it.

IVF #2

IVF #2 begin in Sept 2011. Leading up to that I had a endometrial biopsy in August that turned out normal and had also started acupuncture/herbal tea. After the stress and anxiety of cycle #1... I felt all of these would get me into the right frame of mind for our next attempt. I was right!! Cycle 2 was way better than cycle 1. I highly recommend acupuncture for anyone undergoing IVF. I went once a week for a month prior to my cycle beginning then twice a week through beta.... then back to once a week. 
Cycle 2 protocol was a way different protocol altogether... For cycle 1 I was on a Microdose Lupron protocol and Cycle 2 I was placed on an antagonist (Centrotide) cycle. Dr. C was basically worried that maybe my previous cycle medications had affected my egg quality so we changed it up! 

Cycle #2 Medications! Double the Boxes!

Here is the antagonist protocol I was on: 
  • Start Estrace 21 days into cycle (2mg tablet am & pm) 
  • Stop Estrace 9/4 
  • Begin Stims 9/5 - 450iu Gonal F and 1 Menopur Powder Daily
  • Start daily Centrotide injections once follicles reach 12-13mm
  • Egg Retrieval 9/16
  • Embryo Transfer 9/21
  • Beta 9/30
As I said already... this cycle was awesome. I felt better then I had during cycle 1. Not as heavy or sore. Not sure if it was because I was just used to it now or what? I even had way more follicles this time so I figured I should be hurting even more! Maybe the key was keeping busy. I tried to schedule daily activities/appointments for things to keep my mind off of it as much as possible. Needless to say... ER was here before we knew it! 

Matching War Wounds!

ER 9/16 - Egg retrieval went well. Got to see my favorite operating room recovery nurse (I had fell in love with her during the previous cycle ER). She gave me more apple juice and crackers... yummmm after not eating since the night before. After such a great 11 days of stimming I was so excited to hear they had retrieved 20 eggs! So exciting!! 20 WHOLE EGGS!! Such a great number to hear after getting 11 the cycle before.The next day Dr. C called with the fert report... 20 eggs were all matured and icsi’d, 17 actually fertilized and were looking good. We decided to move forward with a day 3 biopsy to PGD them again. See IVF #1 post for PGD Information. 
ET 9/21 - Adel and I went into embryo transfer day ready for anything. After hearing such disappointing news on this very day of cycle #1 we didn’t want to be unprepared again. We were hoping the different protocol would have done the trick and we would have improved egg quality this time. Dr. C came into the room and went over the report with us... We had 3 chomosomally normal embryos. Better then cycle #1 where we were only left with 1 but still... so crazy to see the other 14 with such serious genetic defects. What was wrong with my eggs? I am 33 years old, relatively healthy, etc, etc. Why are my eggs producing so many unviable embryos? Anyway... those were fleeting thoughts cause we had 3 embryos to work with! 1 was a beautiful hatching blast BB, one was a expanded blast CB and one was still a morula. The expanded blast and morula were really not great quality... at all (even though we knew they had all their chromosomes). Dr. C didn’t really think they would be successful so we opted to throw all three embyos in and see what happened! I was ecstatic. Not so much because of the potential for multiples but because we had basically braced ourselves for such bad news... that 3 was good for us. That still left us with none to freeze but these things happen. Because of the PGD we even knew the genders... two boys and a girl. I loved the idea of putting both sexes in and letting god decide which one made it. Gender selection was never our focus and we looked forward to being surprised at an ultrasound gender reveal. ET was beautiful, happy, optimistic and just felt right.
2WW - Bed rest (strict 72 hours) and the 2 week wait went fine. I have such a hard time laying around for days on end but I was really focused on relaxing and not thinking too much! Lol. I started POAS 6DP5DT (6 days past 5 day transfer) and it was a faint positive!! YAY!! Tested daily till beta day and they all looked good!

POAS Obsession? 

Our 4 year wedding anniversary was the day before our beta and I was really thinking this baby was the best present ever!! 

Betas/HCG - First beta was on 9/30 (9DP5DT) and it came in at 54. I was concerned that was pretty low. I was involved in a IVF cycle forum and everyone that was posting their initial betas were in the 100’s but Dr. C convinced me that pregnant was pregnant. Beta #2 was done three days later at 12DP5DT and was 420. OMG. Talk about an increase!!! My numbers were now right in line with all the other ladies on my forum! My last beta was 15DP5DT and my HCG was 1966. I was official/officially pregnant. And so excited. Next stop... ultrasound! 

Pregnancy was awesome! Even if only a few weeks in. I definitely felt it. My boobs were gigantic and sore (mostly from the progesterone). I was tired. Peeing all the time. Dreaming crazy dreams. The whole nine yards. 
10/11 - Sat down to use the restroom, looked into at underwear and saw they were bright red. Wiped... lots of blood. Red blood. I immediately thought it was over. Frantically called Dr. C who advised me to come in the next day for an ultrasound (one day earlier than my already scheduled u/s). He told me to take it easy/bed rest for the night and we would see what was happing the next day. I also called my dad... who is a doctor and always my go to during any medical situation. Actually, I go to him for everything medical or not.   :)  He had also advised me straight to bed rest and to update him with the next days ultrasound results. 
10/12 - Dr. C, Adel and I all piled into the exam room for our ultrasound. I was feeling nervous but decent since I hadn’t been cramping at all... and the blood had basically stopped overnight. Dr. C showed us a few things... the first was an abnormal looking mass that was a twin at one point... Second was a large hematoma in the uterus and third was a beautiful gestational sac, fetal pole, etc. It was still a bit early to see any heartbeat etc but there it was, right on the screen, our baby!!!! Dr. C seemed pretty grim... he said the hematoma was right next to/pushing on the healthy looking baby and the baby looked to be about 50% separated from the uterus. He said it could go either way at this point. He recommended I “take it easy” and try to stay off my feet as much as possible over the next week. He stated I might see more blood since we saw some in the uterus. I am also an rh negative blood type (O-) so I needed a rhogam shot for the miscarriage of the twin. This ensures my blood doesn’t build up any antibodies towards the healthy baby or future babies which would in turn attack them. 
Taking it easy was tough... that coming weekend was my brother’s wedding... which I was in. I made sure I rested frequently, laid around their couch, missed things like the bachelorette party, spa day, etc. Definitely took it easy till the day of the wedding which I needed to be standing for some of. I was actually feeling really good... I hadn’t had any more bleeding, no cramping, etc. I honestly felt as though we were going to get good news that coming week. 
10/18 - Ultrasound with Dr. C to see what we could see. I don’t know if I was just naive or what. But I actually thought the baby was fine. I climbed up on the ultrasound table and even had my phone next to me so I could take a video of the heartbeat for Adel (who was at work). *facepalm*  Dr. C was looking around in there for a bit longer then normal. Then slowly says “this is not good”. Eeeeep! He showed me the ultrasound screen which no longer showed a baby on my uterus. He saw a very large hematoma still in there but the baby was no longer attached. I was devastated. At that point I was a lil over 6 weeks pregnant (well not any longer) and really thought this was the one. I tried not to fall apart in the exam room while getting dressed and they shuffled me into Dr. C’s office for a quick meeting. I was advised to stop all meds (progesterone, estradiol valerate and baby aspirin). Dr. C said to expect a heavier than normal period and to let him know when I started bleeding. We also called Adel from his office. I wanted Adel to be able to ask the doctor any question he might have. Everyone in the office lined up at the door to give me a hug on the way out and I lost it. Very sad. 
It took 6 days to actually start bleeding again. During that time my mind was playing tricks with me. I actually started thinking maybe Dr. C had missed something and maybe the baby was still there. I had been ready all sorts of stories about missed miscarriages (the internet is evil) and was getting my hopes back up. But alas, early 10/24... I started bleeding, severely cramping for hours and eventually the tissue passed. Much bigger then I expected... was about the size of a lime. 

That for me marked the end of cycle #2.  

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

IVF #1

We begin IVF #1 in Vegas! One of Adel and I’s favorite places and it being 4th of July weekend just makes it even more fun! We thought it was a perfect beginning to our baby story! I had gone in before we left to do my baseline U/S and E2 (Estrogen) check and got the call that evening that everything was in line to begin our first of many stim shots the next evening. I had already been taking two microdose lupron shots a day (am & pm) for a little over a week and would add 1 powder of menopur and 150iu of Gonal f into the mix nightly. That is 4 shots a day for those of you that didnt count... Lots of shots. Lol. 
July 2nd - Started stims (again... 4 shots a day!). I remember being overwhelmed by all the drugs in the box. So many syringes, needles, colored boxes. I remember feeling how important it all was to making our baby. But most of all... I remember feeling so empowered. As if we had been floundering at making a baby for the last 4 years but FINALLY I was taking control back and going to make it happen. All I needed to do was be the best shot giver, egg developer, embryo incubator. I/we were so full of hope. 

My IVF Cycle #1 Drugs
Stims and monitoring went well for the most part... had some nervousness day 6 or so when the follicles weren’t as big and there weren’t as many as I hoped there would be. Dr. C was all over it and increased my Gonal F from 150iu a night to 250iu. I ended up stimming for an additional day to ensure sure they were mature enough. The last few days before retrieval was crazy. I was so bloated, sore and had this “heavy” feeling. All I wanted was to get those eggies out of me!! 
July 14th - Egg Retrieval is finally here!!!! One step closer to bringing my baby home! ER went well! I didn’t feel a thing which is exactly what one could hope for. I woke up... had a couple crackers and an apple juice and awaited our egg numbers! 11 eggs total. I thought that was ok. Of course... you hear stories of people getting like 20 but as everyone always mentions “all it takes is one”. 
Very sore in the next couple days after retrieval. Fertilization report came in on the 15th and we had from our 11 eggs, 9 were mature and ICSI’d, 7 of those actually fertilized. Ok... so down to 7. Still decent in my mind. 
PGD - Day 3 came and we decided to move forward with PGD (Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis). This procedure involves a biopsy of each embryo and sending it out for genetic screening. It test whether the embryo contains all the required chromosomes 23 from the mom and 23 from the dad with no deletions or duplications. It also will give you gender information although that was not our reasoning for doing the screening. Our doctor had originally suggested it as a tool to weed out abnormal/unviable embryos. His explanation was this... “So on transfer day, lets say you have 12 embryos... and 4 of the embryos are really poor quality, 4 look ok and 4 look great... Looking at the great ones... they seem healthy and dividing properly... but we don’t really know what is going on with them for sure... I would be deciding between these 4 embryos just based on how they looked.” So we were sold. Again... this might have been another attempt at control. I wanted to control putting the right embryos back in! Lol. It was quite expensive ($4500) added to our already out of pocket IVF cycle but I felt it was worth it. To know for sure we were putting in a chromosomally normal (viable) embryo. 
Day 5 (July 19th) - Transfer Day!!!! We got into the office and were so excited about the transfer. Dr. C came in and informed us that out of our 7 embryos... we only had 1 chromosomally normal one. What? What do you mean 1? What happened to the other 6, what is wrong with them? How did we go through all of this for 1 embryo? SO may questions were running through my head. I was so disappointed. Dr. C went over the PGD paperwork with us, which showed severe chromosomal abnormalities. Severe. Chromosome deletions, duplications, etc... from both set of genes (maternal and paternal). Weird. But we moved forward with our 1 perfect hatching blast (graded BB). It was a boy. The transfer was emotional but beautiful. I couldn’t help getting caught up in the fact that we only had 1... none to freeze. Adel had to give me a stern talking to about embracing the moment and enjoying what just happened. I was officially PUPO!!! 

Our Beautiful Hatching Blast
The next 72 hours were strict best rest and I adhered to the extreme. I even ate laying down “just in case”. I watched movies, read, yapped on the phone... it was definitely hard to lay down for so long but I was willing to do so. 
2WW - The two week wait was tough. The progesterone so messes with your mind. Gives you all the normal pregnancy symptoms. I took an HPT 6DP5DT, 7DP5DT and 8DP5DT... and all were negative. I was still holding out hope however!! 
9DP5DT (July 28th) - Beta Day - BFN. Even though I knew... it was a negative. It doesn’t make it any easier. I felt like a failure. Such a waste. A waste of putting my body through what I did. A waste of money. A waste of hope. Was a sad couple weeks following.
Appointment with Dr. C - The aftermath appointment (often referred to as the WTF appointment) went decent. We talked about possible changes to my protocol to hopefully improve egg quality and overall numbers which I was definitely interested in. We scheduled an Endometrial Biopsy to ensure nothing interfered with implantation (even though we had just done a hysteroscopy the month before) and we set a date for IVF #2! 

Our Journey

Well... It’s high time I started writing about our journey on the road of infertility. Not sure why I decided to start now vs. earlier. Perhaps I thought we were always almost at the end of our infertility nightmare. But... that road certainly has a mind of its own and it is still rolling along. Such a lonely road. Full of the lowest lows, highs, hope, fear, uncertainty, joy, depression, confusion and many other emotions. This is why I need to start writing this story now... to get it out. I am bursting with these emotions, whirling around in my head as I (we) continue brave this lonely road alone. So here goes... 
My husband (Adel) and I were married 9/2007... Knowing we were ready to have a child right away (I was 29 and he was 38) we decided to have me stop taking my birth controls pills around June (a few months before the wedding) to get my system adjusted for a few months before trying to conceive. So funny looking back... I remember being terrified I would get pregnant immediately and be pregnant for things like my bachelorette party and wedding. In hindsight I would give anything for that to be the case. Seriously hilarious to think we anticipated being able to get pregnant immediately! Needless to say.. we didn’t get pregnant before the wedding. 
February 2008 Two weeks late!! Faint positive HPT!! YAY!!! Made an appoint for two weeks later to see my OB/GYN, One week later... Adel and I both lost our jobs, victims of the mortgage meltdown (we worked at the same company, which is how we had met). One week later... started bleeding heavily. Went in for my OB/GYN appointment and he confirmed miscarriage. Sadness. A weird part of me actually believed it was a sign... that maybe it was for the best we lost the baby so we could get our financial footing back in order before getting pregnant again. Maybe that was my way of coping? Who knows. 
The rest of 2008, 2009 and first half 2010 aren’t very exciting. We both got new jobs and dove ourselves into work and being successful. I travelled a lot for work (about 50%) and we would try to conceive as my work travel schedule allowed with my ovulating days. In 2008 we would still actively use OPK and attempt timed intercourse, etc but eventually after months of trying and not getting pregnant I think I may have gone into self preservation mode. I went into the “it will happen when it happens” mode. Stopped trying to time things, think about it, etc. Even actually started questioning my interest in having kids anyway. This for me... I believe was the ultimate self preservation barrier. Adel and I were enjoying our careers, financial flexibility, friends, traveling and just being with each other. 
July of 2010 my job was relocated to Utah. Loving where were currently live and Adel not wanting to leave his job... we decided to pass on the offer to move for my job... and decided to once again start trying. I would take some time off from working, be a stay at home wife, get healthy and de-stress. I had been traveling 100% of the time for about 8 months before the job ended... leaving every Sunday night and flying home every Friday night. So a nice break was needed to get our lives and home back on track. During this time at home... we tried... and tried and tried to make a baby. Finally April 2011 we decided we needed help. June 2011 we met with our RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) who we will call Dr. C and we were diagnosed with severe male factor infertility. He stated we would not be able to conceive naturally and that due to the sperm counts and motility IUI was out as well. IVF and ICSI were our only hope. The news was hard to hear for sure... but I almost felt empowered.. like we finally had a reason for why it hadn’t been working and a plan to fix it. Easy enough right? 
So began the next leg of our journey... into the crazy world of IVF.