Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Christmas Chaos

I owe you a post on our clinic controversy (possibly switching RE’s after two failed cycles) but for now... I have been sidelined by Christmas Chaos. 
OMG. It is a crazy, crazy world out there. Lol. 
Battled the mall over the weekend and elbowed my way through stores like B.ed Bath and Beyond, W.almart, etc today. Even grocery shopping was a mess. 
Feeling a little better so far this week. Probably as a result of having things to accomplish that I can’t procrastinate any longer. Close friends are asking why hadn’t I gotten some of these chores/shopping trips done earlier and it takes everything in me to not respond “Cause I haven’t wanted to leave my bed, I’m sad”. Meh. Truth is, since we miscarried in October I haven’t really wanted to do much... especially anything involved with “getting in the spirit”. But with Christmas literally upon us I am forced into the holiday buzz! 
I did lose it in the mall on Saturday. Hubby and I had spilt up for a short bit to tackle a few stores separately. I had wanted to get him an ornament for this Christmas representing our IVF journey as one of his presents. 
***Sidebar: We always buy ornaments throughout the year when on trips as a way to remember those trips/locale each year as we decorate the Christmas tree. Though our IVF journey isn’t a physical locale... It’s a place our hearts have been for some time now. Honestly, it hurts to remember our IVF Journey right now. But one day I want to be able to put that ornament on our tree and reflect on what craziness “life” handed to us in 2011. Not the sexiest gift (I know) but one that in some way... might pay homage to our year. The ornament I was looking for was something simple that maybe just said “Hope”. I found “Hope, Dream and Love” but that wasn’t simple enough for me. So my search continues.*** 
Back to the losing it... So I am walking around the mall... looking in stores for this ornament that means so much to me and invokes so much emotion. Listening to Christmas music. Seeing kids everywhere. Seeing kids toys everywhere. Seeing baby things EVERYWHERE. You get the point. I lost it. Had a seat on a bench in front of Macys and just crumpled. Adel happened to call right then to meet up and found me surrounded by my holiday packages just bawling. Lol. I have had enough of the mall for a while. 
Outside of the mall meltdown, I am doing ok. Better than I thought I would be. Time is helping me heal and giving me the courage to keep going on this journey.
Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes... it so reflects what I am feeling right at this moment.
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.” ~Mary Anne Radmacher


  1. Oh hon, I am with you. It takes all I have to be out in public where I can run into all kinds of triggers. I would have cried with you had I been there.
    Hopefully for us, we will still find a way to achieve the children we long for.

  2. Here from ICLW. I so very sorry for your lose. And I'm sorry that all the holiday chaos is making healing even more difficult. I hope that you find your ornament and that one day very soon you and your husband can look at it with peace and pride for all you've been through together.

  3. Sometimes (most times) this is all just TOO much and the Holidays just compound that. I absolutely LOVE the quote that you included... that's going on my list of favorites now too! Hoping that we all get through the Holidays relatively unscathed. xoxo

  4. This is a really tough time of year. I love the idea of the ornament you are trying to find. I like to buy ornaments when I travel as well. It's so fun to remember each trip as I hang them on my tree. One of my favorites is one that I got on Martha's Vineyard a few years ago. It's a white ceramic plaque that hangs on a silver hook with just the word "imagine" in black. Very simple, and so inspiring. Good luck finding your "Hope" ornament. And good luck with your next cycle. I can't remember if I've commented yet or not, but I think according to Miss C, we'll be in this at the same time come January. It will be my third cycle too.

  5. thought I would add a link to a picture of my imagine ornament...

  6. I hope today is better than the last few days...maybe something is in the water, I cried ALL day on Monday. xoxo

  7. This reminds me of a post I was going to do about breaking down in the mall a few weeks ago. I know how you feel. Wishing I could hug you.

  8. I love that quote about courage. So true!!

  9. Love the quote and the ornament idea. 2011 was a pretty shitty year for us to. Interesting way to put a positive spin on the year where one day we can look back and say "we survived". I TOTALLY know how you feel! Having miscarried in Oct. myself, I'm still struggling with everything. I hope you are able to find some joy this holiday season!

  10. My DH and I are celebrating our 2nd married Christmas and we only exchange ornaments. This year, like you, I had tried (and failed) to find what you were looking for...one that represented our IVF journey. However, my DH surprised me with a perfect representation of our journey. 2010 was the start our of TTC...so he go a bird ornament and a bee ornament. This year, after failed IVF#1 and having frozen all from IVF#2 for a FET later he found the best ornament. It a flat ceramic circular ornament with on one side two penguins (obviously one taller male and shorter female) looking down at a wrapped present. On the back side of the ornament he had it personalize with our names and year and a special message: May our dream come true. When I unwrapped this ornament this past weekend we both broke down and cried. It was touching and no one would ever know what this ornament means if they saw it but us.

  11. The ornament idea is great.

    I've mainly avoided the malls, mostly because Xmas can be depressing in general for me, and particularly this year. All of the sudden I have a bunch of cards on my mantel, with all of our friends' children's holiday pictures. It's a little hard, but I'm trying to keep positive and just be thankful I have that many friends.

    Oh, and I still don't have my Xmas tree up. Hopefully I can manage to get that happening today or tomorrow.

  12. Stopping in from ICLW...

    Dh and I started buying ornaments from our travels back when we were just dating.

    ((hugs)) this is a difficult time of year when trying to cope with loss.

  13. ooh I love the ornament idea. Malls are so tough. I did books for everyone this year because i just don't have the emotional fortitude for anything else. Take care getting through the next few days.