Thursday, May 24, 2012

"It Is Time"

"It is time" to start embracing this pregnancy. After 17 and a half weeks of just hoping it would come to me naturally... I have decided I might need to get involved in overcoming this lack of connection, paralyzing fear it is ending at any moment and put hope forward.

Not exactly sure where to begin in this process but I might be starting with opening a pregnancy book(s). And maybe even a journal of some kind. And while we are at it... I might even make Adel open one also (I have a "What to Expect When Your Wife is Expanding" book that has been collecting dust for some time now). I have lot of books that have either been bought, gifted or handed down during my various pregnancies that I have faithfully kept on the shelf in an effort to keep me from having to pack them back up when this pregnancy ended far too early... but it hasn't ended... and it's time to start appreciating that.

My Many Pregnancy/Baby Books... Pulled from the Shelf! 

When I was in the workforce... I used to be a training manager. I would manage the training of an organization's employees on all aspects of their job... position training, sales training, customer service training, leadership training, etc, etc. One of my favorite classes (one that I would often facilitate myself) was a customer service class where I would talk about moments of impact with a customer. That every call/interaction with the customer was an opportunity to impact the customer positively or negatively... and how the employee needed to make these moments of impact with the customer an invaluable experience with our company. In a positive way of course. That even a complaint call... especially a complaint call... was an opportunity for greatness... a moment of impact with the customer. You get the idea. This weekend I was watching "The Vow" and they had a different (more in depth) play on the moments of impact. The movie says that life is all about "moments of impact... that these flashes of reality that turn us upside down... change us". It also stated that "The truth is we're the sum of all moments we've experienced with all the people we've ever known... and these moments become our history". "These moments of impact define who we are". So while watching the movie I start thinking of my life's moments of impact... and eventually started focusing on the ones from my TTC (trying to conceive) journey. I can see how I have changed though the years, through the torture of this process. Through all my pregnancies and through the losses. Each one affected me in some way. I am more guarded, nervous, emotional, unsure and crazy as a person for sure, oh and more broke (financially, haha). But maybe, just maybe... I can also find positive changes from this journey... like this stoic patience I have developed, this crazy strength to preserver, a deep respect for the medical advances that make this all possible (regardless of the fact that it's torturous) and lastly (this isn't a change but more of a reassurance... we could all use a little reassurance once in a while) the confirmation that I picked the right person to go through this journey with. My moments of impact have changed me... and I am on the heels of an impact right now. This pregnancy is yet another moment of impact. This baby... however it turns out... will change me/is changing me. And I need to let it. With all of me. And if I take the moment of impact one step further and apply my training vision to it... this moment of impact is an opportunity for greatness and completely comes down to how I handle the impact. From today, I am choosing to embrace this impact... and all the precious moments that come with it.

A little background on my level of crazy today... I had my anatomy scan this morning. At 3ish in the morning I woke up for one of my many nighttime pees and was struggling to get back to sleep. All I could think about was my impending appointment and realized I wasn't even excited to find out if I was having a boy or a girl. WHAT? Who isn't excited about that? Seriously. I really was indifferent. To me the appointment was another opportunity for something to be wrong. The gender was of secondary interest to the panic of possible bad news. These thoughts stayed with me for the rest of the night and into my morning routine... I started panicking about knowing the gender and fearing the connection that would be formed once I knew... cause then it would hurt so much more when this ended badly. Eventually, cause I am a crazy hormonal chick I start thinking of what a bad mom I am already. That I didn't even believe in the little nugget and didn't care what the gender was. I wasn't excited. That I was using the pain of this journey as an excuse to not even connect with my child. Queue the tears. I became a sobbing mess. When the tears started to dry and the crazy subsided... I decided "it is time". The little nugget deserves it.

Onward to the appointment! Anatomy scan was perfect. Everything looked exactly as it should. Baby has the four chambers of the heart, all digestive organs, brain checked out good, 10 fingers, 10 toes, etc. And we are having A GIRL!!!! Lol. We were definitely unprepared for a girl after being told at 12 weeks were possibly having a boy. I guess this is a prime example why 12 weeks is way too early to be guessing. Halfway through the scan I asked the tech to check again... "is it still a girl?" Haha. Yes, it was still a sweet baby girl. OMG. I don't even know what to do with a girl... I have always envisioned boys! Eeeep! Regardless, we are ecstatic and can't wait to spoil her rotten. Go Team Pink!

So there you have it... a bit of an announcement, an awakening and a promise to embrace this impact.

At 17 weeks and 4 days pregnant, I have made my first big decision as a mom... and that's to go all in...

Please be gentle with me baby girl.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Oh Mai Belly...

My belly has begun to emerge... This is very exciting to me. Definitely helps make it more real. 

Seems I have seen picture after picture for months now of those at the same point (or close to it) in my journey and their bellies are so much bigger! I have been so jealous of their beautifully present bumps. 

My lil bump has literally arrived just this week (today I am 17 weeks, 2 days). I am still in my normal clothes but do need a belly band for some of them. My low rise pants still seem to be ok for now. I have also still been able to sleep on my tummy which is so nice... not sure what I am going to do when that becomes uncomfortable. Lol. 

I am so happy with the development of a visible sign that this is actually happening. I find my hands moving to this little bulge in such an adoring manner and know it is helping me connect in some small way. 

Without further adieu... here's mai belly: 


Sunday, May 6, 2012

Long Overdue Update

Sorry I have been away for so long friends. 

Still in a really weird place with this pregnancy and actually am feeling guilty about it. Things are going great! I have no reason to believe this might not be my take home baby... but I am still holding my breath. I still am not opening any What to Expect books and still don't talk about it. That makes me feel guilty. Guilty that all I do now when I blog here is question what is happening. What I have worked so hard for. I know I will get more comfortable as time creeps on. As we keep passing milestones during this exciting time. Just for now focusing on the little steps we have been making and putting one foot in front of the other each day. 

Again so sorry to have gone missing. Thank you for still being here. 

Now for some fun updates! 

  • Today I am 15 weeks pregnant! OMG! We passed a huge milestone at 12 weeks when I officially became the furthest along in any of my pregnancies! So glad our little nugget is still hanging in there!
  • I graduated from my RE at 12 weeks! Goodbye Dr. Cold and hello Dr. Confident (my ob - more on him later). The day of my last appointment with them was also my birthday! I brought the staff Sprinkles cupcakes which of course were a hit and even ordered a couple extra for the hubby and I. They even tweeted(?) a pic of us saying congratulations... do I look exhausted or what? Lol. 
The Famous Sprinkles Cupcakes!
Tweet about our 12 week graduation from RE!
  • Along with graduating at 12 weeks... I also got to finally drop the progesterone injections and estrogen patches! Dropped them cold turkey. I was terrified but all was fine. So nice not having to deal with those. Still on my daily Lovenox (blood thinner) injections which are a pain (literally), those will continue the whole pregnancy. The bruises on my belly are so gross. Haha. No bikinis for me anytime soon. Lol. 
  • I had a birthday! Turned 34 on April 20th. It was a nice b-day. Hubby and I went to the San Diego Wild Animal Park on that Saturday and just enjoyed walking around and seeing the animals. That is just one of my favorite things to do. Love me some animals. 
  • We have begun telling people. Not the general public... definitely not on fac.ebook or anything. But we told his mom and siblings (who have no clue the struggles we have been through to make this happen). My mom and dad already knew but we did also tell my siblings grandparents, a couple aunts/uncles and close cousins. So slowly but surely the word is leaking out. I can't say when I will feel comfortable enough for a fac.ebook announcement but we definitely joke about just posting pics of our baby when he/she finally arrives. I am not much of a fb'er anyway so waiting till then would work for me! Haha 
  • I have an OB doctor! This is exciting. Found a great guy that is a part of the hospital we would want to deliver at and have had a few appointments with him already. He is great. I have named him Dr. Confident. At my last appointment with him he got a real sense of my fear and uncertainty about this pregnancy and stated... "Denise, there are a lot of things to still worry about but a miscarriage isn't one of them. Start embracing what's happening here and lets start planning a nursery." Uhmm... did he just say the m-word? and wow did he just tempt fate or what? While I appreciate his confidence... I am still nervous. I do get what he was trying to say and am working on letting go of the fear. The hardest part of transitioning from the RE to the OB is the complete lack of appointments. I was used to weekly appointments for the first 12 weeks (w/ ultrasound) and now get one just once a month (which doesn't even include an ultrasound!) Crazy. 
  • NT scan went great! Had my NT Scan just last week and it went well. Baby cooperated and the (not very nice tech/nurse/whoever) was able to get all the pics she needed and indicated our risk for Down's, Spinal Bifida, etc was low. Like 1 in 17k or so. We had done PGD on the embryos in advance so we had an idea everything would come back negative/low risk but I couldn't give up a chance to see the baby!
  • 70% a boy. At our last ultrasound (13weeks) the tech decided to see what she could see for the sex of the baby and thought it might be a boy! It was of course super early and I am not counting on it at this point but she did say... 70% chance it's a boy. Maybe knowing for sure will help me start connecting with the little nugget. I go in for my anatomy scan on May 24th and should get a more definite idea then! So exciting! We would be ecstatic with either but I have always seen myself with a boy.
I think that is a decent update for now. I really need to get cracking with documenting some of my symptoms, crazy dreams I have been having and other pregnancy related items. Might even be time to do a "bumpdate" (eeeep). We shall see. One step at a time. Haha. 

Again, I can't say it enough... so sorry for my hiatus and thank you for still being here and supporting me during my journey. 

P.S. Congratulations to all the recent BFP's on my blog roll! So excited for all of you!
Alissa at MissConception
Lanie at Unruffled Lanie
Her Royal Fabulousness at Waiting for Little Feet
Belle at Scrambled Eggs
Hope I haven't missed anyone. So sorry if I have!

I leave you with my favorite pic of the little nugget!