New Look for a New Year!!

Got myself a new look for the new year! Still working through some minor changes here and there but for the most part... this is it! 


Hope you all like it! 


Big thank you goes out to Aly from Bridge Work Blog Designs for putting up with me and creating my new beautiful space!    :) 

Operation: Christmas Cheer

Whether I like it or not, Christmas is here... onward with the Holiday Cheer. Got the tree up (a couple weeks ago), most of our Christmas dinner ready (we are celebrating with my family today), Christmas crafts crafted and even some sweets made! Oh holy holiday mania! Here’s some pictures for proof!! 

Our Tree

Christmas Crafts: 

My mom and sister-in-law decided to made gifts for each other this year. I decided to make scarfs as my “Christmas Craft”. I thought they turned out decent! Hope you like them. 

Christmas Craft #1

Christmas Craft #2

Christmas Crack:

OMG. Christmas Crack. #ilovechristmascrack. This is a salty, sweet treat sent from the heavens above. Seriously.. such good stuff. It is very easy to make and always a hit. It’s called Christmas Crack due to it’s very addictive nature. Only takes saltine crackers, brown sugar, chocolate chips and butter to make. I use the recipe from here: Christmas Crack Recipe

Christmas Crack w/ Toffee Bits Added

Hubby's Christmas Ornament: 

I ended up getting a little different ornament than I was looking for (read about my search here)... probably as a result of running out of time. I like it but it's not exactly the simple message I was looking for. It is a birds nest with three eggs in it and says “Our Nest” over it. Very symbolic I think. It is as if to say our nest is all ready to go, we just need our babies now (as I am sure many of you can relate to). Hubby loved it and we had a nice moment over it during our gift exchange. He even felt the three eggs were symbolic of our three embryos placed from last cycle... or of us embarking on our third round of IVF. 

All said and done... I am ready for Christmas. Bring it.   :) 

From my home to yours... Merry Christmas. Big hugs to each of you! 

Christmas Chaos

I owe you a post on our clinic controversy (possibly switching RE’s after two failed cycles) but for now... I have been sidelined by Christmas Chaos. 

OMG. It is a crazy, crazy world out there. Lol. 

Battled the mall over the weekend and elbowed my way through stores like B.ed Bath and Beyond, W.almart, etc today. Even grocery shopping was a mess. 

Feeling a little better so far this week. Probably as a result of having things to accomplish that I can’t procrastinate any longer. Close friends are asking why hadn’t I gotten some of these chores/shopping trips done earlier and it takes everything in me to not respond “Cause I haven’t wanted to leave my bed, I’m sad”. Meh. Truth is, since we miscarried in October I haven’t really wanted to do much... especially anything involved with “getting in the spirit”. But with Christmas literally upon us I am forced into the holiday buzz! 

I did lose it in the mall on Saturday. Hubby and I had spilt up for a short bit to tackle a few stores separately. I had wanted to get him an ornament for this Christmas representing our IVF journey as one of his presents. 

***Sidebar: We always buy ornaments throughout the year when on trips as a way to remember those trips/locale each year as we decorate the Christmas tree. Though our IVF journey isn’t a physical locale... It’s a place our hearts have been for some time now. Honestly, it hurts to remember our IVF Journey right now. But one day I want to be able to put that ornament on our tree and reflect on what craziness “life” handed to us in 2011. Not the sexiest gift (I know) but one that in some way... might pay homage to our year. The ornament I was looking for was something simple that maybe just said “Hope”. I found “Hope, Dream and Love” but that wasn’t simple enough for me. So my search continues.*** 

Back to the losing it... So I am walking around the mall... looking in stores for this ornament that means so much to me and invokes so much emotion. Listening to Christmas music. Seeing kids everywhere. Seeing kids toys everywhere. Seeing baby things EVERYWHERE. You get the point. I lost it. Had a seat on a bench in front of Macys and just crumpled. Adel happened to call right then to meet up and found me surrounded by my holiday packages just bawling. Lol. I have had enough of the mall for a while. 

Outside of the mall meltdown, I am doing ok. Better than I thought I would be. Time is helping me heal and giving me the courage to keep going on this journey.

Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes... it so reflects what I am feeling right at this moment.

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.” ~Mary Anne Radmacher

A Little Sad Today...

Still sad. So unlike myself actually. Usually I am so happy go lucky. Are we jaded forever after our journey? Meh. I know... in my heart... somewhere deep inside there... that this will all be a distant memory one day... when we have our baby in our arms... I hope. 

I have a lot to write about tomorrow. Just need to get my spirits up first. Adel and I had a couple consultations (second opinions) with different clinics this week and I need to process it through writing about it. I think this may be part of my sadness today. This is all just so much work... requires such big decisions... with such financial implications... and what if *knocks on wood* it doesn't work again. *Sigh*

Anyway, I'm rambling. I know. Lol 

I found this video a while ago, called "Tears and Hope - Infertility Awareness Project". I always think of it when I am sad... since it states so well what we go through as infertiles.  It's a beautiful video but really will hit home to many of you. I am unable to embed the video here (since I am not that savvy) but here is the link:

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

Sorry for the sadness tonight, will be better tomorrow.   :) 

What A Nice Surprise!

Came back from a crazy holiday party filled weekend to an award! My first one! 

So excited to be recognized by a follower blogger and even more excited to know that people are actually reading about my journey! 

This blog was started as a form of therapy. So full of sadness, confusion and loneliness... I found that through writing... I was starting to feel better. The support I have received from this blog is astounding. Thank you for all my comments, to my readers and to AJ from http://rainbowmaking101.blogspot.com/ for giving me this Liebster Award!

This Award is given to bloggers who have less than 200 followers, all in the spirit of fostering new connections. Liebster is German & means ‘dearest’ or ‘beloved’ but it can also mean ‘favorite’. The idea of the Liebster award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers.

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.

2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.

3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.

4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

I wanted to pass this award onto 5 special ladies... Some of these women I have been lurking on their blogs for some time. I check in daily to see their updates and admire their strength and perseverance. Some of these ladies may have received this award before but I didn't want to pass up the opportunity to let them know I am a passenger on their journeys and praying for them every step of the way.  

1. Alissa @ Miss Conception - Alissa is such an amazing blogger. I have been following her story since May of this year and appreciate her honesty, insight and sharing through her journey. Praying for Alissa through her tough times.  
2. Kelly @ Team Baby - I have been following Kelly since June of this year... Our ivf cycles have been around the same times and I always find she is saying exactly what I am feeling as she blogs about her cycle experiences. Hoping her next cycle is the one for her. 
3. Chelsea @ The Growing Season - I began following Chelsea's story after meeting on the fertility forums (we were cycling at the same time). She just just went through an FET cycle the day after Thanksgiving and I am hoping it is a successful one. 
4. Hope @ Invisible Mother - Found Hope through Infertility Overachievers "New Blog Friday" and really related to the constructive grieving tab on her blog. Have been following her story since! Wishing her luck during the next steps in her Immunization Therapy/testing. 
5. Blonde Mombitions - This is a new fellow blogger I found through LFCA. She too is navigating through infertility-land. Looking to support her through her first IVF in January. Crossing my fingers for success! 

Metformin

Started Metformin a few days ago... It is an interesting drug for sure. I don't have type 2 diabetes or PCOS (which are the two common reasons people take it) but Dr. C (my RE) believes I am insulin resistant based on my egg quality the last two cycles.

Crazy how things evolve... Dr. C said it best... He said "6 months ago, I was looking at a relatively young, healthy couple with male factor infertility that I could manage through IVF and ICSI. Now... two cycles later... I see highly compromised eggs. Eggs with severe chromosomal abnormalities and overall quality issues. We now unequivocally have an egg problem." Well. Pfftttt. Not much to say in response to that. Lol. So here I am... looking at the man I have paid almost 40k out of pocket to create me a baby and pleading/imploring how we possibly fix this "so called egg problem'. His reply... "I have an idea." He explained what Metformin is... stated that although I don't have PCOS my eggs look someone who does. So why not treat it similarly? Seems logical to me. He explained the side effects and risks, which we both agreed were far outweighed by the possibility of better egg quality for the next go around. So Metformin is now in the mix for the next few months.

Let me just say... when he mentioned there is typically "some" gastrointestinal issues when taking Metformin... I didn't anticipate full days of holding my stomach in pain and hours on the toilet (tmi, I know). OMG. That stuff is miserable. Supposedly my body just needs to get used it? I hope this is case. They also have me on a "slow build" for the drug. So for one week I take one pill a day (500mg), next week two pills a day (am & pm), week after three pills a day and then on the fourth week I will be to my dosage of four pills a day. That will be 2000 mg of this lovely drug. *Sigh* The things we do to our bodies for our baby efforts.

Anyone else out there on Metformin that I can commiserate with? Does it get better?

Also, wanted to thank amiracle4us, Detour and eggsinarow for my first ever comments! Thank you for your words and support. I really appreciate it.

Grieving

Ok... another sad post (and long). I am slowly starting to feel better emotionally after our miscarriage and think the writing is helping. So, I am hoping that getting these thoughts/feelings out there will keep me on the mend. 

I can’t believe it has been 6 weeks since our miscarriage. Am I even allowed to still be grieving? I definitely shouldn’t be grieving longer than we were actually pregnant, right? Lol. Time keeps passing but I am still sad. Not just for the miscarriage itself but also for the effort. The years of heartbreak, the IVF cycles, the financial obligation, the toll on my body, my husband’s amazingness through all of this, the thought of another cycle, the shots all over again and the unknown future are all encompassed in the sadness. Maybe just boils down to a general “feeling sorry for myself”. Some friends have suggested maybe I should seek out someone to talk to? I don’t know... What’s an allowable/ok time to be sad over this? My close friend with two children says she thinks I might have something like postpartum depression (ironic huh?) and maybe she is right... Is it possible that coming off all that estrogen and progesterone we are pumped full of during a cycle is no different from causes postpartum depression. Seriously... no baby but possible postpartum? Who knows. 

What I do know is... I need to make some changes to my day to day life starting tomorrow: 

1. Stop the What to Expect baby updates. I know. I can’t believe I am still getting these. It’s a sickness. I mean I know it’s over. I know I lost the baby. But for some reason I just couldn’t part with the updates. I really want to know that today I would be entering my 13th week and our baby would be the size of a peach. I think I am just hanging onto this information in hopes things were different. I think tomorrow I am ready to stop them. No more torturing myself with this daily reminder.

2. Get out of bed early in the day. I always wake up decently early but lately I have been finding reasons to lay around more then I should Oh hey...my favorite show is on... oh geez it looks cold out there and oh man, I can’t possibly move... I might disturb the cats that are so comfy in bed with me! This grieving has slowly begun to masquerade itself as general laziness and it needs to stop. 

3. Start decorating for Christmas. Normally I love this part of the year. Again... in feeling sorry for myself land... I am sad about the complexion of this Christmas changing. 6 weeks ago I was ecstatic about being pregnant for the holidays, yada... yada... yada. I just need to embrace my Christmas cheer and not take my sadness out on such an amazing holiday.  

4. Start some type of workout regimen. IVF weight gain is not my friend. Seriously since starting medications in June I have gained 15 pounds. I have lost about 5 pounds just from coming off all the cycle drugs but getting this extra poundage off before #3 would be awesome. No small feat during the holidays however. Treadmill here I come.  

5. Start reconnecting with friends... This is a must. There are about 5 people in my life that have been passengers on my infertility train. So nice to be able to share with them through my cycle milestones, etc. This last one however was a doozy.... I was sad, not really my bubbly self and generally no fun. Conversations with these friends became increasingly uncomfortable. Uncomfortable for them because how often can you say I’m sorry? Sooth someone who isn’t being soothed? The conversations were uncomfortable for me because I knew I was no fun and my friends didn’t know what to say anymore... so I pulled back... not wanting to put them through these uncomfortable conversations with me any longer. One friend had actually said “Give yourself some time to grieve through it and then quit feeling sorry for yourself. That is not going to help and it pushes people away.” That was hard to hear but I know she is right. 

All in all... time to get back to my ol’ fun loving self and I think working on the 5 things above are a part of these process.  

Here is a pic of the hubby and I at my brothers wedding (we were still pregnant). We look so happy!

Cheers to tomorrow and working on "bringing sunny back". Lol