Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Our Journey

Well... It’s high time I started writing about our journey on the road of infertility. Not sure why I decided to start now vs. earlier. Perhaps I thought we were always almost at the end of our infertility nightmare. But... that road certainly has a mind of its own and it is still rolling along. Such a lonely road. Full of the lowest lows, highs, hope, fear, uncertainty, joy, depression, confusion and many other emotions. This is why I need to start writing this story now... to get it out. I am bursting with these emotions, whirling around in my head as I (we) continue brave this lonely road alone. So here goes... 
My husband (Adel) and I were married 9/2007... Knowing we were ready to have a child right away (I was 29 and he was 38) we decided to have me stop taking my birth controls pills around June (a few months before the wedding) to get my system adjusted for a few months before trying to conceive. So funny looking back... I remember being terrified I would get pregnant immediately and be pregnant for things like my bachelorette party and wedding. In hindsight I would give anything for that to be the case. Seriously hilarious to think we anticipated being able to get pregnant immediately! Needless to say.. we didn’t get pregnant before the wedding. 
February 2008 Two weeks late!! Faint positive HPT!! YAY!!! Made an appoint for two weeks later to see my OB/GYN, One week later... Adel and I both lost our jobs, victims of the mortgage meltdown (we worked at the same company, which is how we had met). One week later... started bleeding heavily. Went in for my OB/GYN appointment and he confirmed miscarriage. Sadness. A weird part of me actually believed it was a sign... that maybe it was for the best we lost the baby so we could get our financial footing back in order before getting pregnant again. Maybe that was my way of coping? Who knows. 
The rest of 2008, 2009 and first half 2010 aren’t very exciting. We both got new jobs and dove ourselves into work and being successful. I travelled a lot for work (about 50%) and we would try to conceive as my work travel schedule allowed with my ovulating days. In 2008 we would still actively use OPK and attempt timed intercourse, etc but eventually after months of trying and not getting pregnant I think I may have gone into self preservation mode. I went into the “it will happen when it happens” mode. Stopped trying to time things, think about it, etc. Even actually started questioning my interest in having kids anyway. This for me... I believe was the ultimate self preservation barrier. Adel and I were enjoying our careers, financial flexibility, friends, traveling and just being with each other. 
July of 2010 my job was relocated to Utah. Loving where were currently live and Adel not wanting to leave his job... we decided to pass on the offer to move for my job... and decided to once again start trying. I would take some time off from working, be a stay at home wife, get healthy and de-stress. I had been traveling 100% of the time for about 8 months before the job ended... leaving every Sunday night and flying home every Friday night. So a nice break was needed to get our lives and home back on track. During this time at home... we tried... and tried and tried to make a baby. Finally April 2011 we decided we needed help. June 2011 we met with our RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) who we will call Dr. C and we were diagnosed with severe male factor infertility. He stated we would not be able to conceive naturally and that due to the sperm counts and motility IUI was out as well. IVF and ICSI were our only hope. The news was hard to hear for sure... but I almost felt empowered.. like we finally had a reason for why it hadn’t been working and a plan to fix it. Easy enough right? 
So began the next leg of our journey... into the crazy world of IVF. 

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