Ok... another sad post (and long). I am slowly starting to feel better emotionally after our miscarriage and think the writing is helping. So, I am hoping that getting these thoughts/feelings out there will keep me on the mend.
I can’t believe it has been 6 weeks since our miscarriage. Am I even allowed to still be grieving? I definitely shouldn’t be grieving longer than we were actually pregnant, right? Lol. Time keeps passing but I am still sad. Not just for the miscarriage itself but also for the effort. The years of heartbreak, the IVF cycles, the financial obligation, the toll on my body, my husband’s amazingness through all of this, the thought of another cycle, the shots all over again and the unknown future are all encompassed in the sadness. Maybe just boils down to a general “feeling sorry for myself”. Some friends have suggested maybe I should seek out someone to talk to? I don’t know... What’s an allowable/ok time to be sad over this? My close friend with two children says she thinks I might have something like postpartum depression (ironic huh?) and maybe she is right... Is it possible that coming off all that estrogen and progesterone we are pumped full of during a cycle is no different from causes postpartum depression. Seriously... no baby but possible postpartum? Who knows.
What I do know is... I need to make some changes to my day to day life starting tomorrow:
1. Stop the What to Expect baby updates. I know. I can’t believe I am still getting these. It’s a sickness. I mean I know it’s over. I know I lost the baby. But for some reason I just couldn’t part with the updates. I really want to know that today I would be entering my 13th week and our baby would be the size of a peach. I think I am just hanging onto this information in hopes things were different. I think tomorrow I am ready to stop them. No more torturing myself with this daily reminder.
2. Get out of bed early in the day. I always wake up decently early but lately I have been finding reasons to lay around more then I should Oh hey...my favorite show is on... oh geez it looks cold out there and oh man, I can’t possibly move... I might disturb the cats that are so comfy in bed with me! This grieving has slowly begun to masquerade itself as general laziness and it needs to stop.
3. Start decorating for Christmas. Normally I love this part of the year. Again... in feeling sorry for myself land... I am sad about the complexion of this Christmas changing. 6 weeks ago I was ecstatic about being pregnant for the holidays, yada... yada... yada. I just need to embrace my Christmas cheer and not take my sadness out on such an amazing holiday.
4. Start some type of workout regimen. IVF weight gain is not my friend. Seriously since starting medications in June I have gained 15 pounds. I have lost about 5 pounds just from coming off all the cycle drugs but getting this extra poundage off before #3 would be awesome. No small feat during the holidays however. Treadmill here I come.
5. Start reconnecting with friends... This is a must. There are about 5 people in my life that have been passengers on my infertility train. So nice to be able to share with them through my cycle milestones, etc. This last one however was a doozy.... I was sad, not really my bubbly self and generally no fun. Conversations with these friends became increasingly uncomfortable. Uncomfortable for them because how often can you say I’m sorry? Sooth someone who isn’t being soothed? The conversations were uncomfortable for me because I knew I was no fun and my friends didn’t know what to say anymore... so I pulled back... not wanting to put them through these uncomfortable conversations with me any longer. One friend had actually said “Give yourself some time to grieve through it and then quit feeling sorry for yourself. That is not going to help and it pushes people away.” That was hard to hear but I know she is right.
All in all... time to get back to my ol’ fun loving self and I think working on the 5 things above are a part of these process.
Here is a pic of the hubby and I at my brothers wedding (we were still pregnant). We look so happy!
Cheers to tomorrow and working on "bringing sunny back". Lol
