Doing Good!

Still here, still pregnant. 9 weeks and 4 days! Wow, I can't believe we are at 9 weeks and 4 days. I am in shock. Still not really believing it.


The little nugget looks great on the ultrasound this week and my progesterone levels are back up (to 38). The increased dosage seems to be doing its job and I am hoping that is the last scare for a few weeks (at least).


So glad things are still going good. Maybe I will allow myself to start getting excited soon?

Worried?

Ultrasound went great today (8w2d). The Little Nugget is looking more and more like a baby and less like, well... a nugget. Heart was beating away (Dr. Cold still wouldn't give me a beats per minute amount) and things measured right on track. Dr. Cold seemed optimistic and told me to it was time to start thinking about my OB and making an appointment. All very exciting news. 


Then I got a call from them a couple hours ago indicating my progesterone levels (tested today) had dropped quite a bit. I have been on 1cc nightly (PIO) from the beginning and in recent weeks my progesterone levels had been increasing on their own! I was under the incorrect assumption that maybe the baby had actually begun producing it already (which I heard today doesn't happen till 10 weeks). My weekly progesterone levels have been 26, 27, 30, 37 and today... 26. They like to see the number over 20 so it is still in range. But why did it drop so much? Is this my indicator I might miscarry? I know progesterone levels can drop as a precursor. Dr. Cold instructed us to increase our nightly dosage from 1cc to 1.5cc. This has me worried. He stated he wasn't concerned about the drop in levels, but then instructs us to raise our dosage? 


Why are these numbers fluctuating? I am not jumping off the cliff just yet... but worried. Why must we be so fearful during these exciting times? 

Continuing Protocol

I know I have been rather quiet lately... Still holding my breath. 8 weeks and 1 day today. 


Wanted to post about the meds/shots I am still on! Hopefully these things are each doing their part to keep the Little Nugget fed, happy and wanting to stay put for a long time! 


So here is my current cocktail list: 


PIO (Progesterone in Oil) - Oh how I loathe you. Lol. For the first few weeks, I swear this nightly shot wasn't a big deal. Yeah, it hurt and yes it made me sore for days afterwards... but I just dealt with it. Recently however, this shot has been a bitch. My hips are sore upon sore. It just seems as though they never get a chance to heal (even with us alternating hips each night) before we are sticking them again. I even threw a full on tantrum one night last week when it was time to do the shot. Full on. Like a two year old. Kicking things, yelling, punching the air. Hubby thought I was possessed for sure. Meh. I think I just had reached my limit for a minute and started feeling sorry for us. For all of us. This should be easier. This whole process should be easier. My clinic actually has their patients on this till 12 weeks (from what I understand) so only 4 more weeks to go! An interesting fact I didn't realize... My lil nugget has actually started producing his own progesterone! I have been getting weekly progesterone checks to monitor the number and they have been as follows over the weeks: 26, 27, 30, 37 (they like to see the number over 20 initially). The jump to 37 surprised me since my dosage has remained consistent at 1cc per day. This rise hopefully means things are progressing as they should! 


Lovenox - An important one. Blood thinner medication for my MTHFR mutation (clotting disorder). This is also a daily shot but this one goes for the whole pregnancy. It is fortunately a sub-q shot but it stings/burns like hell and leaves beautiful bruises all over my belly. Super hawt. As much as I hate the burning fire I have to inject nightly... I am so thankful we know about this disorder and have something I can do to help keep my body from clotting against this pregnancy.  


Vivelle (Estrogen Patches) - These patches are easy and painless. They stick to abdomen and just hang out. I am on two patches and change them every other day. I will also be on these till 12 weeks along. Only complaint I have about these are the price. Expensive lil buggers. $90 a box and I go through a box every 8 days. Only 4 more weeks to go! 


Prenatals - Nothing to exciting here... I take the prescription prenatals called Duet. Two pills daily. I have been taking these literally for about 4 years (since our first miscarriage 2/08). I was given different samples to try at the time and these were the only ones that didn't make me nauseous if I took them without food, so I have stuck with them. 


MetaNx - This is also something I take for my MTHFR (clotting disorder). This mutation affects the way my body processes B6, 12 and Folic Acid so this prescription vitamin provides these in their active form so my body is able to use it. I take one pill twice a day. This will be continued the whole pregnancy. 


Baby Aspirin - Still on baby aspirin also. One pill a day. I think this will end at the 12 week mark also with the PIO and patches, but I am not certain. This is commonly used during IVF as it helps block vascular constriction. There are many other reasons to use it in IVF listed in this article. 


Acupuncture - I have continued my acupuncture appointments, twice a week. My acupuncturist would like the twice a week appointments to continue through 12 weeks and then drop to once a week. I do enjoy the time to just lay there and daydream. It happens to be one of the only places I allow myself to believe this is actually working/going to work. I daydream about being pregnant, what our baby might look like and what type of child he/she might grow up to be. As soon as the hour is up... I go back to my safe/rational thinking (doesn't include daydreaming) but in that hour... I connect with the being inside me.


That is it for the meds/shots/procedures! A pretty lively cocktail list of fun!      


Also, wanted to share a list of don'ts I received at my first ultrasound from Dr. Cold. It is instructions for the first trimester (through 12 weeks) of pregnancy. Since I don't graduate from his office till 12 weeks (I know some clinics graduate sooner) this list is supposed to handle all the things I should not be doing till I get handed over to an OB. The list is rather restricting. But of course, I am following it as best as I can. A few notables are: 
No Sex
No Airplane Travel (till after 12 weeks, then consult with OB)
No Having Hair Colored, Permed or Straightened 
No Exercise. None. 
No Caffeine, Alcohol, Sushi, Unpasterized Foods. Minimize Intake of Hot Dogs/Cold Cuts
No Sunbathing
No Hot Baths
No Dental Work 


Fun stuff! 


Still praying my little nugget is doing ok in there. I see him/her again tomorrow. I can't wait. 

We Have A Heartbeat!

Tuesdays appointment went well! 

Our little nugget (I know.... we have to come up with something better to call him/her, lol) has a heartbeat!! 

The little flicker was beating so fast! It was really amazing to see. 

Dr. Cold didn't give me the BPM (beats per minute) amount... which I am actually ok with. That means I won't stress about whatever the number is. Perfect for me. Haha. 

I am so excited we saw the heartbeat. This is one of those steps I needed to really start believing this is actually happening. I am not there yet but Tuesdays appointment was a definite step.   :) 

Thank you for all the support, suggestions and advice on my last post about "Inhabiting the Middle Ground" between being hopelessly infertile and currently pregnant. I appreciate each of your words and understand now that it will just take time. Time and milestones (like Tuesdays appointment). 

YAY for a heartbeat!!! 

Inhabiting the Middle Ground

In a weird place emotionally. This weird middle ground between being hopelessly infertile and currently pregnant. Just standing between the two realms.... waiting to be pulled one way or the other. 

Adel and I are just going through the motions of life. Neither of us discusses being pregnant. Outside of attending our weekly ultrasound together, it just doesn't come up. It's like we are both waiting for the ball to drop. We have been here before... and it hurt so bad when it didn't work out. I imagine this avoidance technique we have adopted silently for this cycle is an act of self preservation? Not wanting to get close to our pregnancy or he/she inside of me... just in case. 

I still haven't felt the joy yet. Sure I was excited when I got the positive HPT and beta. For a couple hours even. Then excited again when I saw the ultrasound. I was excited then for the rest of night! But the next day... back to status quo. This defense mechanism is amazing. What do I do to bring these walls down? 

I also have only cried once. The fear crept under the walls briefly and I had a human moment. Adel had just got home from work and I opened up a discussion about our lack of excitement/interest/connection/etc for this pregnancy. Shortly after beginning the talk I just needed a hug, and couldn't stop crying. I blubbered on about how scared I was. How hurt I would be if we lost this baby too. It was the first time I had hugged him in a long time. Like really hugged him. Have I been subconsciously pushing him away (emotionally and physically) during this cycle also?

I am afraid to open a pregnancy book, afraid to daydream about pregnant life and even afraid to post on here... as if either of those things may pose a problem to this pregnancy. 

It's official... I have lost it completely. Lol. 

Any ideas on how and when to bring these walls down? Is this just what pregnancy after infertility/loss is? 

Ultrasound on Tuesday at 7 weeks and 2 days. Hopefully we will see a heartbeat. 

Thank you all for continuing on to this next part of my journey with me. I couldn't do this without you.